Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Overeaters Anonymous

I recently learned that there is a support group for just about everything, even overeating. You have to pay to be in the support group and everyone talks about how they eat too much and how fat they are, and then they all probably go out for Krispy Kremes and Java chip Frappuccinos afterwards. Why would I pay to be in this group when it comes for free every year? From around the date of October 14th until January 7th, almost everyone gets a free membership to the overeating support group. October 14th is around the time that grocery stores start selling Halloween decorations and candy, which of course we all must indulge in because we suddenly believe that candy corn is the most delicious food on the planet and stuff ourselves full of those delectable orange Brach's bags. Imagine if we ate that much REAL corn. Corn is a starch and all, but at least we'd be getting something made from nature and not created out of the leftover candle wax from making "creepy" skull and "haunted" tree candles with which to deck our homes and terrify guests with our overzealousness for the holiday.
After Halloween, there is some residual eating due to leftover candy on sale at Target, plus the candy that you didn't pass out to the neighborhood children (after deciding at 8pm that it's past their bedtime so for their own good it would probably be best if you kept that extra 5lb bag of individually packaged Whoppers). It always feels better when you open a pack and there are only three inside. Until you eat 29 of those little packs. Anyway, the Halloween candy aftershocks only last about a week, giving you 2-3 weeks in November until Thanksgiving that you use to half-heartedly exercise. By then it's already getting too cold to want to get up, leave the house, and get into the freezing cold car, drive to the gym, and realize as you pull into the gym parking lot that the car has just started warming up and now you have to get out and repeat the whole process again. Most people just decide to do in-home workouts at this time. This is probably the most lucrative time of year for home exercise DVDs. Yoga for Beginners (for the older set) and Carmen Electra's strippercise (for the younger, more "adventerous" group) fly off the shelves as people sit on their carpet and pretend that they're getting a good workout. No. This does not work. I am not judging because I am one of those people, except usually I play DDR. And if there is no DDR, I do jumping jacks, which wreak havoc on my sacrum. My bottom 2 vertebrae are probably severely impacted as a result of my not wanting to brave the weather, sit in the car, feel the frustration of the slow heater, look at the people who really did have too much candy and are now wobbling around on the elliptical in front of me, etc.
The first few hours after a Thanksgiving meal are probably the worst for the Overeaters Anonymous club. This is the one day a year where almost all Americans complain about their weight. They speak eagerly of the meal to come all morning/afternoon and then as soon as the thirty minute frenzy remniscent of a pack of hyenas devouring a weak and elderly zebra, dentures and all, is finished, they suddenly realize that they are probably 14 pounds heavier and they've made a huge mistake. Eating 4 types of stuffing and the extra rolls (fluff food, really) was not the best of ideas. They unbutton their top buttons (if they were dumb enough to wear jeans to begin with; seriously, opt for the leggings or at least the roomy underpants) and groan about how full they are. Then the men watch football and pretend that it is them out there exercising. At halftime, the women come in to see Carrie Underwood or Celine Dion or someone important do the Halftime show and watch the cheerleaders parade around and pretend that is them out there with the flat stomachs. This is basically a day for complete and total self-deception. And it works.
Thanksgiving leftovers will last, at best, 4 days. After that, the turkey begins to turn and the pumpkin pie is a little harder than it was before. Having a shared Thanksgiving at someone else's house tends to be beneficial in keeping leftovers at bay because then as you're bagging and tagging everything, politeness takes over as you tell the hostess, "only one bag for us! We won't eat that much turkey." This is a lie, and 2 days later when you want a turkey sandwich, guess what? YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE, because you didn't speak up. While this is safe in keeping any extra fat from accumulating, it is also disappointing and brings about a lot of self-loating. Plus whoever decided to be courteous will be persecuted by their hungry family that is banging their elbows on the table chanting WE WANT TUR-KEY.
And then there's Christmas parties. I read somewhere once that you shouldn't go to a party hungry because then you'll just eat and eat and eat. Too bad, no one eats before a party! Again, manners come into play. You must be polite and try everything, preferably more than once if you want to be considered a really good friend. Christmas cookies, eggnog, the lure of frothy drinks in Starbucks red cups- it's all too tempting, and since everyone is in a loving mood (except the traffic cops at the mall- they hate EVERYONE), they give in to these tiny temptations which turn out to be tiny fat pockets on one's thighs and stomach.
The most common New Year's Resolution is getting in shape. Good luck staying at the gym, because it will be 1) Too crowded and 2) Said crowd will be comprised of really fat people who don't know how to accept that they should keep their junk in their trunk completely hidden. This group of overachievers should really just accept that they are overeaters and allow the pounds to slowly fall off until October 14th of the New Year.
Excuse me, I must go do my workout video now.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

What is it, a stampede of elephants? Har har har.

Everyone has heard someone say the previous sentence at least once, or they've said it themselves. Make no mistake- it is a relatively funny thing to say when used in the proper context with good inflection and appropriate comedic timing, but it stopped being an original and hilarious thing to say about 700 years ago, or whenever it was that multilevel buildings were erected.
Every single time loud noises are heard from above, we automatically think and/or say "WHAT ON EARTH IS MAKING ALL THAT RACKET?" This question may never be answered. After all, no one has ever given me a straight or definite response to this question ever, yet I still MUST ask it every time I hear stomping.
There are, of course, different levels of loud ceiling stomping. Here is a list of them including descriptions and a few anecdotes in order of least to worst stomping noises.
1) The Deliberate Stomp: This noise has clear direction and purpose. 50% of the time, it is a one-way walk that stops at the door upon which the stomper leaves and the walking noises can still be heard, albeit faintly, as they travel down the hallway. The other 50% of the time, this noise is a round trip ticket and is usually intended to go to the fridge or the bathroom. The one form of The Deliberate Stomp that I have never heard and kind of want to hear (but also kind of not because it's really horribly morbid) is the one where the walking ceases and a loud thud can be heard. This will probably mean that the person dropped dead.
2) The Uncertain Stomp, indigenous to those plagued with Attention Deficit Disorder. This type of noise sounds like the person is really not sure what it is they got up to do so they kind of meander around doing various things until they lose steam and sit down again or leave (after which TUS becomes TDS). This stomp annoys me because if I bear witness to it I keep thinking, "When will this person stop and figure out what it is they meant to do?" It's such an indecisive noise and it makes me upset because what if this is how they deal with their lives? What if they never have a purpose and end up aimlessly stomping around until the day they make that final meandering stomp towards the light? It's none of my business but I'd love to hear them get their act together. As much as TUS annoys me, what's worse is...
3) The Possible Sports Game In Progress Stomp: My family used to hear this stomping all the time when we lived in an apartment while we waited to move into a house. I was 5 or 6 and I remember listening to the inconsistent stomping noises that varied in volume and level on the Richter scale. After one of my dad's nightly fits of anger followed by much speculation as to what the cause may be, I remember watching the NBA finals and saying, "maybe they're playing basketball along with the people on TV." My mom told me that this would be rather difficult to act out, seeing as sports are so spontaneous and unpredictable, BUT you cannot blame me for offering up this explanation. It literally sounded like 11 men playing basketball up there. My dad went up to investigate and found the culprit. It was a little boy named Lloyd (seriously, TERRIBLE name for a small child) who later ended up going to my school. Needless to say, we didn't get along that well when he realized I was the daughter of the man who almost exploded on his doorstep. Lloyd was later cast as the lead role in our school's production of Willy Wonka. I hope that he has continued to allow drama to be his creative outlet to keep him from stomping anymore. Lloyd's jumping continued every night until we moved out. I don't know why Lloyd's parents, Mr. and Mrs. WeLikeNamesFromThe1950's didn't just let him run around outside to tire himself out.
4) The Unclassifiable Stomp: This is in some ways a more general category that often encompasses TPSGIPS. I hate this stomp. It drives me insane. I want to know what it is they're doing up there! It sounds like a bunch of people going in one direction while the other mops the floors with their feet and then a small quartet stomps out the trumpeting portion of "Tequila". This is the kind of stomp where the question "What is it, a stampede of elephants?" is asked, and rightfully so. I mean, what is it? A STAMPEDE OF ELEPHANTS? That's what it sounds like. Last night I heard this noise while walking in the hallway and as Bruno looked at me quizzically (he is foreign and not entirely familiar with stomp classification system), I said that a group of friends had most likely decided to dress as the cast of The Lion King for Halloween and this was the group of Wildebeest that trampled Mufasa. And I was probably correct.
5) The At This Hour? Stomp: Living on the first floor has its perks, like I don't have to drive down three levels of the garage which shaves off a good 52 seconds of travel time to get to every destination so I can leave a little bit later every day. But also, I hear every little sound. The people above me have luckily been pretty quiet except for the occasional moving of furniture; I suspect they are very into feng shui, as the furniture moving usually occurs every fortnight and they were especially active during the equinox. I believe that is when the moon is in the 7th house and Jupiter aligns with Mars. Or maybe that is the Age of Aquarius. I do not know. But the 4am stomps begs the question, At this hour? I mean, why? What could you possibly be doing at 4am that requires the running back and forth of one's apartment? This is the only stomp that makes me really want to go upstairs and ask them what is so important that they stomp around at this hour?
Obviously, stomping is not really intentional. I'm sure I'm a stomper, too, and I've probably been guilty of all of the above stomps, except for maybe the stomping out the beat to "Tequila". I would never do that. I only like shouting TEQUILA! the two times it appears in the song. Other than that, I'm guessing stomping really can't be helped, but that doesn't stop it from being quite possibly the most annoying sound to ever be made by a human being...besides a wookie call. But that's not necessarily a human noise.