Monday, October 29, 2007

Sorry, I don't know you.

Waving at someone who you think you know but don't is a normal occurrence. It is embarassing, rattling, and always upsetting, and it will continue to happen for as long as people populate the earth. I unfortunately have developed the habit of exagerrating my movements when I wave at people. I swing both arms over my head like I'm trying to signal an entire fleet of fighter jets, and I jump up and down yelling, "HEY! OVER HERE! IT'S ME!" Most people find this funny; that is, unless they do not know me. Then they just think I'm a creep.
They are correct in this assumption.
Today I pulled perhaps one of the worst exagerrated-wave-and-yell maneuvers ever. Upon seeing someone who I thought was my friend Michael (honestly, how many boys wear periwinkle polo shirts carrying around styrofoam cups looking dazed and mumbling to themselves in a thick southern accent? Well, a lot, but still...he had an aura), I began jumping up and down. I don't get to see him very often. This was exciting. As I bounced around I thought to myself, "Why isn't he looking over here? We hardly ever run into each other!" so I just yelled louder. And louder. Mainly all I said was, "OVER HERE!!!! HIIIII!!!!! MIKE!!!!!!" Still no response. He seemed to be glancing at me and then looking off in the distance. Maybe he was talking to someone behind me. I figured I'd save him the time of walking over to me and bounded up to him with great joy and jumped up and hugged him. He didn't hug me back. When I finally pulled away to look at him, I managed to have the presence of mind not to go SILLY BILLY and squeeze his cheeks or something, because this boy was not in fact Michael. He was someone entirely different, with different colored hair and eyes.
I just stared at him and then said, "I don't know you." and he said "no you don't." I then told him he was a nice hugger and quickly backed away with my eyes cast downward.
I am not embarassed easily. I have no problem with public speaking and if someone brings up something idiotic I've done in the past (as they very well may do 5 years from now when recounting this experience), I do not feel any shame. Blushing is not my thing. But today, I blushed. And then I hid in the bathroom for a long time before calling my friend so I could re-enact everything with great vigor.
This was not a good thing that happened today. What may have made it worse was the people behind me sniggering and making remarks about how I'm stupid and also clueless. SHUT UP, PEOPLE. You do it, too.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I would use an Unforgivable Curse on the New England Patriots.

This blog is dedicated to my father, the only one who will actually fully comprehend everything I'm about to say.

This season it seems like the long-awaited prophecy has been fulfilled; yes, that's right, I'm talking about Tom Brady taking over the world one square-jawed idiot at a time. I hate that his receivers are so good this season. Wes Welker always looks like he has terrible flatulence and is trying to hold in his gas, hoping to God that the lousy fans cheer loud enough so that no one notices the small squeaks he's emitting on the field. I can't say much about Randy Moss, he seems like a pretty decent guy but still, that doesn't stop me from hating the New England Patriots more than any other team in the NFL.
If the NFL were Harry Potter, Tom Brady would be Lord Voldemort, easily, except he'd probably be more like Tom Marvolo Riddle prior to becoming Lord Voldemort. Tom Riddle had many various successes in scaring the daylights out of people and even killed poor Moaning Myrtle with the basilisk (even if it was an accident). Then Riddle became Lord Voldemort, probably after he killed (won) his fourth muggle (Superbowl). The fact that everyone is amazed by Brady and his superbowl wins and his team which is "arguably the best in the NFL" just upsets me more because the whole team is full of completely useless human beings.
Bellatrix Lestrange, quite possibly the worst and most horrible character ever written, is Bill Belichick without a doubt. Bellatrix killed my favorite HP character and now Belichick is killing my life. Their names even rhyme. It's too perfect. Bill Belichick is a. a cheater, b. a liar, c. a sore loser, and d. completely unsanitary. That sweatshirt is filled with more than just sweat and Wal-Mart brand gray cotton. If you squeezed that sweatshirt into test tubes and let it percolate for nine months after performing some sort of stem cell voodoo on it, you would have three whining crybabies. That sweatshirt carries the hidden sneakiness, unnecessary cockiness, and overall robotic nature of the Patriots with it; the three beings formed from it would basically be Tonya Harding's ex-husband, Michael Scott, and Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator.
Continuing with the hazy metaphors (and if you don't like Harry Potter and/or enjoy football, all of this is already lost on you), Peyton Manning is clearly Harry James Potter. The hero of the hour, every hour, every day. Just as Harry was "the boy who lived", Peyton is also, only in a few more words. He's more like "the boy who won even though everyone thought he would choke for the tenth time". He breaks records and does things that no one expected him to do. Harry survived the Avada Kedavra curse. What more proof do you need that he's the best wizard ever? Peyton broke his dry spell with his Superbowl win (okay, so it was the Bears, but who cares? At least their name sounds menacing even if they do suck), proving that he's the best quarterback ever. Both are humble and unwanting of attention, although Peyton does tend to give the impression that he likes fame, what with his 470 commercials currently in circulation.
Marvin Harrison = Ron Weasley. Easygoing and sweet in nature, both are the right-hand men of their respective heroes and know when to let the other have the spotlight. Naturally, Harrison was acknowledged for his achievements last season, just as Ron is always awarded points to the house of Gryffindor every year at the banquet by Dumbledore because he undoubtedly showed bravery in helping Harry. The love between Marvin and Peyton is unstoppable. Yes, Peyton has a laser rocket arm but where would he be without Harrison there to anticipate his moves and deal with his constant barrage of audibles? I trust Peyton's judgement but that has GOT to get annoying.
Then you've got Joseph Addai, the newcomer, as Neville Longbottom. Neville showed promise from the very first book where he tried to keep Hermione, Ron, and Harry from going out and rescuing the Sorcerer's Stone from the evil clutches of Voldemort, and now he keeps coming into his own as this season is underway. Did you see him in the game against the Jags? That guy is such a beast, he just keeps plowing through and doesn't stop for any man. I'm so proud of Addai and hope he keeps getting better because for a third round draft pick last year he's quickly becoming one of the many stars on the Orion's belt that is the Indianapolis Colts.
Tony Dungy is Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. There can be no debate about this statement, except maybe to say that Tony Dungy isn't gay like how Dumbledore turned out to be. Still, he shows great strength as a headmaster and coach with his quiet wisdom. Granted, Dumbledore had half-moon spectacles and Dungy only has that larger-than-life Motorola headset that looks like a fake inflatable headset you win at a state fair game of balloon darts.
J.K. Rowling knows what she's doing when she doesn't let all the good guys win in her books. There are some casualties along the way and even though good defeats evil in the end, it doesn't come without payinga hefty price. At least Harry defeats Voldemort in the most unconventional way, and hopefully Peyton Manning will continue to do the same to that snake Tom Brady. No matter how many rings he has, Brady will always be the cube-headed oaf who puts those black oil things on his cheeks even when he's playing in a closed stadium. I know the lights are bright, Tom, but suck it up. Peyton Manning does.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

"Is 7 years-old too young to have a cell phone?"

The title of this blog is an actual sentence uttered to me a mere four hours ago in the coffee shop. There I was, innocuously typing on my computer, and this odd boy just saunters right up to me and stands there. I didn't look up because CLEARLY I was busy (playing text twist but who cares, the typing was furious and for all he knew, I could be hard at work writing my dissertation or something important), but he just stood there and didn't go away. It would be difficult to describe the rest of this encounter in paragraph form, thus it will be recorded in a manner similar to a screenplay, complete with stage instructions, etc. I will be referred to as "BITTER: Broad In The T-Shirt Eating Raisins". He will be referred to as "DORK: Dude Oblivious to Repulsed Kid". I know I'm not a "kid" but that's all I've got to make the acronym work.

DORK: Ahem.
BITTER (thinking in her head): B-A-R-E-L-Y YES I GOT THE SIX-LETTER WORD! B-A-R, L-A-B, E-A-R...
DORK: AHEMMM.
BITTER (not looking up from her computer): Would you like a cough drop?
DORK: No. Ahemmmm
BITTER (still not making eye contact): Sounds like quite a cold you've got there. Lots of phlegm. Spit it out.
DORK: You're funny.
BITTER: Are you ready for that cough drop?
DORK: Is 7 years-old too young to have a cell phone?
BITTER (finally glancing up and instantly taken aback by the daisy colored polo-clad creeptard in front of her): Why, are you considering getting one for your daughter?
DORK: No, I'm not a father.
BITTER: Shame. I hear its life's greatest joy.
DORK: I mean I just got off the phone with my cousin and she's 7. We talked for 20 minutes. She has a cell phone.
BITTER: You sat on that couch with your phone silently for 5 minutes before coming over here, so I disagree.
DORK: Okay
BITTER: Okay.
DORK: She's got a cell phone.
BITTER: Yes, I heard that. I saw a kindergartener with a cell phone once but I think it was an old one.
DORK: Kindergarten? Man that's young.
BITTER: What grade is she in?
DORK: Who?
BITTER: This cousin you so lovingly speak of.
DORK: Third.
BITTER: Did she skip a grade? You usually turn 7 during 1st grade.
DORK: Maybe she's 8 now.
BITTER: Well that changes everything.
DORK: Does it?
BITTER: I don't know. Or care.
(BITTER returns to her important computer work and ignores DORK hoping he will take the hint and leave)
DORK: So that's too young, right?
BITTER: Doesn't she have school right now? Why is she calling you when she should be using Model Magic at school?
DORK: She doesn't have school.
BITTER: Why?
DORK (realizing his plan is faltering and BITTER maybe catching on): ...she got sent home.
BITTER: Do her parents work?
DORK: Her Dad does but her Mom stays at home.
BITTER: Then if she got sent home, why would she calling you from her cell phone? Wouldn't she just use the house phone?
DORK: She likes her cell phone.
BITTER: Did she tell you what kind of cell phone it is?
DORK: No.
BITTER: Then its not hers. She'd brag about what kind of phone it was if she actually owned it. Or maybe she stole it. She could be on the run from the law, in which case you'd be aiding and abetting. I could turn you in for this.
(BITTER assumes since DORK is ridiculous enough to carry on this conversation, DORK will fall for her attempt to make him go away, preferably to Tibet)
DORK: No, I've got an alibi
BITTER (thinking that an alibi has absolutely nothing to do with this): Is this supposed to segue into you noticing that I, too, have a cell phone and you'd like the number for it?
DORK:..........(mouth breathing, uncomfortable shifting of eyes)......
BITTER (begins texting her friend who is sitting at a table nearby having lunch. They've already said hello but are doing work separately. Friend has been listening this entire time): SAVE ME FROM THIS CREEP
BITTER's phone rings.
BITTER: Hello? Oh hi! You're right behind me! Oh, isn't that funny? Well of course I'll come visit with you! I'll be right there!
DORK: Are you leaving?
BITTER: Yes, you're very astute.
DORK: Well....
BITTER: TTYL.
DORK (gets up to leave so it looks like he didn't completely get shut down): Nice to meet...uh...I better go..See you around...(seeing the look of surprise on BITTER's face) No? Okay...
BITTER starts to traipse away happily when someone grabs her arm. She shall be called "GIRL: Grumpy Is Rudely Listening"
GIRL (gruffly, grumpily, and every other g adjective with negative connotations barks this): Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude (she does) but did he just ask you if his 7 year old cousin should be allowed to have a cell phone?
BITTER: Yes.
GIRL: Well I don't mean to lower your confidence (she does) but he asked a friend of mine the same thing a few days ago. He does that.
BITTER: Well, I hate him and I'm sure your friend does, too. Thank you for your time.

I swear I did not elaborate on this conversation. If anything, I censored it by not punctuating it with the numerous sighs, rueful smiles, and eye-rolls that occurred. Now I must go and shower 10 times to get the slime of DORK off of me.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Things That Shouldn't Happen on a Rainy Day but Inevitably Occur

I think almost everyone loves rainy days. Who could resist the romance of the dark sky, the relaxing sound of the rainfall (unless you have to pee) or the fun of snuggling into warmer clothes? Although I am among those who love rainy days, they are almost always accompanied by an unlucky circumstance in my life. Rain is nice, but it makes everything hellaz worse.
Today, it is raining. It's not torrential, but it's falling hard enough to be uncomfortable and also to wet my jeans up to my ankles. The following is a condensed compilation of unfortunate events that have occurred on rainy days and/or foolproof methods to predict the weather:

1) Whenever I finally decide to spring for a $7 carwash (I think it's called "Express Wash" but I always say "can I have the one that's only $7 please?" to Kompletely Khaki Kathy, the girl in charge of the carwash payments), it rains.It MUST rain at least 72 hours after I get my car washed. The "Rain Check" deal where you get to come back if it rains only applies to the 48 hour period after a carwash.
2) It has rained every time I have an outdoor lab experiment to conduct for Meteorology. This is probably because that is just too ironic and funny for the Lord Almighty to pass up an opportunity to rain on a group of people studying solar angles. If I were God, I'd make it pour.
3) Flight delays always occur due to inclement weather; however, the worst is this tiny airport near school that Bruno the Boyfriend and I sometimes fly out of. If anything resembling a drop of rain falls, a flight will not leave for at least 2 hours. Bruno and I sat on a plane for 5 hours once, and he got so bored that he threw up. Seriously. It probably wasn't even real rain. I bet one of the luggage guys was a mouth breather who had a lot of saliva and he managed to get a tiny drop on whoever is in charge of saying that its too rainy to fly. Oh and P.S., the flight was only 45 minutes long. Another time I was flying alone out of that airport and we couldn't recline our chairs that luxurious fourth of an inch because we needed to take caution while flying in such heavy fog (and by heavy I mean a screen door is harder to see through than this was). Having a chair in its upright and locked position is the safest thing you can do on a plane. No one wants to take that kind of risk.
and the best of all the rainy day stories, something I like to call..
4) The Worst 22 Minutes of my Life: September 14th, 2005 @ 7:38am. While walking to class down the very long boulevard, it began to pour. I mean REALLY pour. We're talking start-building-an-ark rain. Luckily, I had my trusty compact pink umbrella with me (courtesy of the Air Force Village version of Wal-Mart in San Antonio) and I pulled it out just in time to stop my Hollister ensemble from getting soaked. Faux vintage "Orange County" tees are hard to come by. At that moment, the sky darkened rather quickly and a large bolt of lightning forked across the sky. The wind began to blow harder and the thunder rolled on as I plodded my way to my class which was still a good 18 minutes away. Suddenly, a gust of wind came and turned my umbrella inside out, and just as I reached up to fix it, the top of the umbrella popped off. There I was, shivering in rain of Biblical proportions, holding a lightning rod. I quickly picked up the top of the umbrella and fashioned it into some sort of a crude bonnet by bending the wires beneath my chin. At precisely 8:00am when I reached the door of my building, it stopped raining.

So if you see me wearing a vintage t-shirt while driving in my clean car to a Meteorology lab, get your umbrellas ready. It's about to pour.