Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Overeaters Anonymous

I recently learned that there is a support group for just about everything, even overeating. You have to pay to be in the support group and everyone talks about how they eat too much and how fat they are, and then they all probably go out for Krispy Kremes and Java chip Frappuccinos afterwards. Why would I pay to be in this group when it comes for free every year? From around the date of October 14th until January 7th, almost everyone gets a free membership to the overeating support group. October 14th is around the time that grocery stores start selling Halloween decorations and candy, which of course we all must indulge in because we suddenly believe that candy corn is the most delicious food on the planet and stuff ourselves full of those delectable orange Brach's bags. Imagine if we ate that much REAL corn. Corn is a starch and all, but at least we'd be getting something made from nature and not created out of the leftover candle wax from making "creepy" skull and "haunted" tree candles with which to deck our homes and terrify guests with our overzealousness for the holiday.
After Halloween, there is some residual eating due to leftover candy on sale at Target, plus the candy that you didn't pass out to the neighborhood children (after deciding at 8pm that it's past their bedtime so for their own good it would probably be best if you kept that extra 5lb bag of individually packaged Whoppers). It always feels better when you open a pack and there are only three inside. Until you eat 29 of those little packs. Anyway, the Halloween candy aftershocks only last about a week, giving you 2-3 weeks in November until Thanksgiving that you use to half-heartedly exercise. By then it's already getting too cold to want to get up, leave the house, and get into the freezing cold car, drive to the gym, and realize as you pull into the gym parking lot that the car has just started warming up and now you have to get out and repeat the whole process again. Most people just decide to do in-home workouts at this time. This is probably the most lucrative time of year for home exercise DVDs. Yoga for Beginners (for the older set) and Carmen Electra's strippercise (for the younger, more "adventerous" group) fly off the shelves as people sit on their carpet and pretend that they're getting a good workout. No. This does not work. I am not judging because I am one of those people, except usually I play DDR. And if there is no DDR, I do jumping jacks, which wreak havoc on my sacrum. My bottom 2 vertebrae are probably severely impacted as a result of my not wanting to brave the weather, sit in the car, feel the frustration of the slow heater, look at the people who really did have too much candy and are now wobbling around on the elliptical in front of me, etc.
The first few hours after a Thanksgiving meal are probably the worst for the Overeaters Anonymous club. This is the one day a year where almost all Americans complain about their weight. They speak eagerly of the meal to come all morning/afternoon and then as soon as the thirty minute frenzy remniscent of a pack of hyenas devouring a weak and elderly zebra, dentures and all, is finished, they suddenly realize that they are probably 14 pounds heavier and they've made a huge mistake. Eating 4 types of stuffing and the extra rolls (fluff food, really) was not the best of ideas. They unbutton their top buttons (if they were dumb enough to wear jeans to begin with; seriously, opt for the leggings or at least the roomy underpants) and groan about how full they are. Then the men watch football and pretend that it is them out there exercising. At halftime, the women come in to see Carrie Underwood or Celine Dion or someone important do the Halftime show and watch the cheerleaders parade around and pretend that is them out there with the flat stomachs. This is basically a day for complete and total self-deception. And it works.
Thanksgiving leftovers will last, at best, 4 days. After that, the turkey begins to turn and the pumpkin pie is a little harder than it was before. Having a shared Thanksgiving at someone else's house tends to be beneficial in keeping leftovers at bay because then as you're bagging and tagging everything, politeness takes over as you tell the hostess, "only one bag for us! We won't eat that much turkey." This is a lie, and 2 days later when you want a turkey sandwich, guess what? YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE, because you didn't speak up. While this is safe in keeping any extra fat from accumulating, it is also disappointing and brings about a lot of self-loating. Plus whoever decided to be courteous will be persecuted by their hungry family that is banging their elbows on the table chanting WE WANT TUR-KEY.
And then there's Christmas parties. I read somewhere once that you shouldn't go to a party hungry because then you'll just eat and eat and eat. Too bad, no one eats before a party! Again, manners come into play. You must be polite and try everything, preferably more than once if you want to be considered a really good friend. Christmas cookies, eggnog, the lure of frothy drinks in Starbucks red cups- it's all too tempting, and since everyone is in a loving mood (except the traffic cops at the mall- they hate EVERYONE), they give in to these tiny temptations which turn out to be tiny fat pockets on one's thighs and stomach.
The most common New Year's Resolution is getting in shape. Good luck staying at the gym, because it will be 1) Too crowded and 2) Said crowd will be comprised of really fat people who don't know how to accept that they should keep their junk in their trunk completely hidden. This group of overachievers should really just accept that they are overeaters and allow the pounds to slowly fall off until October 14th of the New Year.
Excuse me, I must go do my workout video now.

No comments: